failure by design

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:56:20 GMT

Well hello. Old livejournal... this is a good reliable place to collect myself. So, I guess I came here to complain about life again. hmmm. well not complain, because I know all the things that have been going on with me are helping me, to be a better person. it's just strange, and not easy, you know? Of course, livejournal knows!

So I was in this relationship until last night... we'd dated over a month. Which for me is a long time. Because if I don't really feel potential to go all the way, then I won't put my heart into it. And after a month it didn't feel right. Maybe just the timing, maybe the girl. But I'm confident it was more than my typical over-analyzations. So, you know, we 'broke up'. And it was great though. The best break up of my life! Communication is key. She was so good about it, and after telling her how I was starting to feel, combined with the other obstacle of me heading back to Utah for school in 6 weeks, it was very mutual. Like TOO mutual. Ha. I'm so impressed with how things ended... funny, saying 'ended'. She means a lot to me.

Anyway, any change in one's dating status like another run on some sporadic rollercoaster supposedly representing life. So that's me, right now, and that's why I turned back to ol livejournal, hooray! That's good enough I'd say, goodnight.

journal entry

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 08:50:13 GMT

So I just pulled out my real journal to write... since I haven't for a few months. And theres only one page left! I need a new journal!! This makes me sad. And I was thinking where else I could I just write... because I don't want it to be in some random notebook, and I don't want it on a loose piece of paper because I'll lose it... so I was thinking I should type it then so I can maybe print and add it to my journal later. Oh and then I realized no one even reads my livejournal so I could write virtually anything and easily access it here and it wouldn't even matter :)

So... blah. I've really been trying hard to figure crap out the last few weeks. It sucks. Okay so I've been in school now since January... which is about the last time I wrote in my journal. My classes are great, and oh I remember my first day in my sign language (yea, i love ASL!) class I saw this girl, Kendis. And yea I've thought girls are attractive before, but man, I felt sometihng inside me go off, my heart jumped :). Kendis was my first real 'crush' after my mission. (see remember I'm still trying to figure out dating and everything, I've been annexed from the real world for 2 years). Anyways to my surprise I was able to talk with her and exchange numbers... and was able to do that with a couple girls, odd :). And so Kendis and I met up once, got some jamba juice, then I asked her if she'd like to get dinner sometime, she said yea... And then we went out for dinner, then conveniently to see a movie we had to watch for class ;). Yeah so I'm pretty sure this was the worst date ever. I bet it was like a marriage potential candidate interview dinner. I dont know. It felt awkward. It was awkward. I liked her but I didn't know how to appropriately and in a cute but not overbearing way to show it... and I barely even knew how to say goodbye at the end of a date. That was bad. So yea, we didnt go out again.. sad.

HAHA but that was the start of a long process - well I guess not that long, yet, its just been a few months - of me trying to get back into the love scene. SO I kept dating, went out with a friend from washington. Meanwhile school is going pretty well, classes are demanding but I was really enjoying it. Oh and then I met annie, she's pretty cool, got a group and went dancing, my first time dancing/clubbing whatever you call it in 2+ years. I actually hate calling it clubbing because it makes me feel like a skank. But I do love getting a group of friends and going dancing. Anyway I also met this girl, ashley on campus and got her number in January. And I thought she was cute, but didn't really know how much I liked her... but I decided to give it a shot seeing as how other things weren't working out...

I hope that doesn't sound bad... I don't want to use anyone or just go out with them for the fun of it, but it is good to be constantly dating SOMEone, right? This is a dilemma for me, right now. But yeah ashley and I started dating in february, even though I knew it wouldn't go anywhere or last. SO yeah, and it lasted maybe 3 weeks until I felt so bad and always felt obligated to call and text her when I didnt want to that I just told her I needed to date more people haha and I used the excuse that I just came back from a mission and am not ready for a girlfriend (probably about 10% true). HAH.

Okay so this 'break up' probably happened... early march? Meanwhile school is going well, I am meeting other new friends and girls.. oh and I got a job, keeping me even more unnecessarily busy... oh and also I've started gettin close to a friend from california via phone and online. A good friend that I care for but have never dreamed of a relationship out of fear of ruining a rare and very satisfying nearly best-friendship with nothing more attached. So mid march, after the whole ashley thing, I start hanging out with this girl from my religion class, addie. We have fun together, go out to this festival of colors and have a GREAT time together... I am seeing good potential here.

And then conference weekend comes, this is just one weekend ago. My friend from cali decided to come into town and visit some people during her week off and we joke around a lot of about spending 'almost best friend' bonding time together. or abfbt. and we have a abftdl, or almost best friend to do list including ice skating, pictures, running, watching a certain movie, coming to my hockey game, etc. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just didnt know what to think and avoided thought or preparation for what would happen if we didnt spend that much time together. So she came into town... I kind of blew off addie for a few days :(. And yes, unexpected, unanticipated, unprepared for, basically un-everything happened.

This whole time I am a very cautious person. I don't let myself get too close to girls, or guys, or anyone, that I don't really care for. Ashley was kind of an exception and it started eating at me after just a week or 2 so I had to end it. So with my almost best friend in town I was the same way. we clicked, we had fun, we liked each other, we could tell. but I didn't want to open up. I was scared.

After 2 days together we started acting pretty couple-ish i guess you can say, not around our friends or known to others...but with each other, and during our 'bonding time'. oh, like you know that feeling when you REALLY start to like someone? and you really start to care about them, and you look at each other in the eyes and just kind of laugh and enjoy it, and nothing makes youhappier than to just have them in your arms... Yes... and then you can tell you're opening a spot in your heart for them... do you know this feeling?? its hard to describe but I'm sure you know what I mean. Well, it's been a LONG time since I've opened up like that. And i didnt want to. And so my abf and I talked. and first i decided we shouldnt do this to ourselves becasue it won't work out (many reasons, one being distance). And also she came to the same conclusion. :/

So all's fine, right? We're both unanimous. We'll move along.

Well decisions are one thing, when you're all alone, weighing out the pros and cons, try to be rational... BUT being around someone and feeling extremely attracted to them and wanting to squeeze them and hold them in your arms for hours is another thing. Very different. That was a rough saturday night after deciding we shouldn't be together. At least deciding that now wasnt the time and place.

And so that night around 5am i went running and running, long and hard, felt like i should be in a movie and do something dramatic but didn't luckily. And I just started thinking... wow. Okay so now she knows how I feel, I know how she feels... and wait... why is it that we both decided this won't work? There's so many reasons, but at the same time there's not a single worthy reason I can think of.

And that day, the next day, it was a sunday. We spent some time together. And instead of me being hesitant and worried and selfish not wanting to get myself hurt, I decided to open up. I figured well, this is it. She's in town one more day, I've already felt the high of highs beign with her and a long, hard, night accepting that I'd be without her, and her without me. And so I went for it. I kissed her in the morning, contrary to what we both decided. And after getting ready we went for a drive... went up into the mountains.

We drove around, finally stopping at a park. we were together. we let ourselves be together. I let myself. I guess I opened my heart... exactly what I'm so hesitant and afraid about. It was a pleasant afternoon :). We had dinner with my relatives in utah where at first I thought we'd do the whole around other people, pretend like we were just friends thing... and she quietly asked if it was okay to hug me... I said yes. I wish I would've said only if you really mean it. We embraced and acted couple-esque in front of my utah relatives that evening. It was nice.

So then sunday night came. We drove back to provo, she got ready to start her 12 hour drive back to california the same evening. she likes driving through the night. And then the realization that it still wouldn't work out, despite the great day we'd had, set in. It set in on her first this time. And the realization came to me, too, yet hard to accept it. It's a shade more complicated than Im describing here because she also has someone in california, that she's almost tried being with but hasn't ever fully tried... and she knows she needs to spend some time with him or in a relationship with him before deciding how to resolve that relationship. so yeah, thats an added factor too. ...hmm...

But sunday night we said good bye on a ...I guess 'melancholy' note could describe it. You see we both want to keep being best friends because its sooo great to have someone like that there for you... but we let it get past that and we both liked it, but were scared, and didn't want to ruin our friendship... But at the same time it was so great being toGEther that we were toying with the idea of finding a way to make it work. That's just the imagination in us, or in me though. So, yes, I opened my heart. The most it's been open since dating trista at 16. And all in a few short days...

My abf left, went back to california, and I stay here in utah, getting prepped for finals and with my emotions all mixed around and up in the air. I don't regret what happened though. Even though my heart isn't on cloud 9 right now, I'm so happy for the things I've experienced and the ways I'm growing. I felt what you SHOULD feel when you're with someone and you really like them. And you could just sit for hours with them in your arms. I needed that. I needed to know what it's like to be with someone you really enjoy and really like. Not just what it's like to be with someone, or hook up with a hawtie. So if everythign does go as planned (the plan being to continue being best friends with my abf) I think I can deal with it :). At least this time I don't have to resort to avoiding all communication when things didn't work out with trista, the first time. I guess we grow up and become stronger people. I AM strong enough to be content with being best friends... that was the plan, that was what we both decided on anyway!

So with that weekend, which was just last weekend, over, I tried getting back to normal life. But I missed being with someone. I like that feeling... and theres this girl, molly, at work. We get along well, laugh a lllllllllot together, and just have funnnn. We hung out and I started liking her halfway because she's way fun and I like her halfway because I want to be with someone. - Maybe this is the spiral some people get stuck in... I know I'm just barely scratching the surface... but you know, like that feeling that you always need to be with someone, and so you're get into tons of relationships, very few of which you see going anywhere.

Anyways mollys not quite like that cause I really am interested in her and could see myself dating her. But this weekend we made plans to hang out yesterday and tonight and neither really worked out... and now itll probably be awkward like oh, im so sorry it didnt work out, uhh, i forgot to call back, ummm, etc. which makes me sad. because i would be much happier if I was on the couch cuddling with her right now than sitting on facebook looking for something to do.. haha maybe thats being too honest ;).

And then there's addie who is still around and would probably want to hang out if I called her up (even though I kind of disappeared on her lately :/) ...but it's like do I date her just because I can't get things worked out with other girl 1 and other girl 2... or do I wait and date none for now, and keep looking for another amazing girl who everythings works out just dandy with from the beginning... this is where I need good advice, anyone? cause I don't know what to do. or maybe I should just fade out for my last 2 weeks here in provo and study hard for finals then go home to washington and recollect myself up there...

Well. I think I wrote out most of what I'm feeling inside right now. I did it! I love writing... it relaxes me. I wrote a letter to my abf nearly in tears the night we decided we cant be together and I can't remember what it said. I know it ended in gratitude for being friends though, which is a good thing :).

Overall though, I'm feeling good, feeling happy, feeling some emotional highs and lows, but I'm feeling happy with life. I'm glad I remember and know what it feels like to really like someone and start to open your heart up to them... even if it was painful. I know and am fairly confident that things with my almost best friend will continue as planned - to be friends who can count on each other, not more. And guess what, dating life can only go up from here!!!! =) I'm still a cautious person when it comes to this, but I think I can tell now what and who is worth the risk... and I'm willing and I'll to my best to be ready to take that risk when it comes.

Life is good, I am blessed, I like this.

Life

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 06:40:55 GMT

Hello life. :)

Well, where do I start, not quite sure. Can I just say that the last few months have been the most favorite of my whole life, ever? I loved living in san jose, CA more than a fat kid loves cake, but we're not supposed to get stuck in the past right... those 2 years as a missionary are over and now it's time to move into the next stage of life!! A very wise man in california gave me that advice... every year should be the best year ever. right?

So today in my Humanities class we discussed Romeo and Juliet and watched clips from it. I enjoyed it. weird. I guess when life doesn't take you exactly where you'd like it to you look for relief in other forms huh. But yes. What a good life it is, to be alive and have friends like all of you. (I realize only 1 or 2 people still read this...:) ). And to have a job, and friends, and education, and religion, and family, and facebook- just kidding. I love it. Some people tell me I'm too optimistic. Actually I think I'm more selfish than anything. I don't like feeling sad or seeing others around me sad, so I try to be overly positive and optimistic to make up for it :P. Good way to hide my insecurities, yes I know.

So I move home in 2 weeks! Finals start next week and end April 22. I think I'm gonna make the 12 hour drive home on the 22nd so I can get outta here asap! But im having so many second thoughts now because I got a good job, have made some of the best friends ever, and love it here. PLus if anyone wants to come visit me utah its sooo much more romantic than portland ;). Actually portland is a much cooler city than provo or salt lake. At least back home I can be with family and with my 2 cute little neices that I've yet to meet in person!! awww. Ill miss some friends here a lot though. I'd leave names and shout outs but they dont use livejournal and its really not necessary. oh well.

I'll just finish saying thanks to everyone who helps me to be a better person. Everyone's life is full of ups and downs, mines no different. But ive had some amazing people teach me valuable lessons through experiences together, experiences apart, or just talking about it. Thanks for that. I think I'm feeling good on some sort of high right now...even though it's not because i'm in some amazing relationship with the woman of my dreams, great people have influenced me in ways I'll never forget. thanks.

Time to get geared up for finals, eeeee!

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 18:05:19 GMT

oh shoot there's panic! tickets available in portland again. if anyone is dying to see em you can come stay with me around july 26... venue changed, more tix available!! wooooo

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 08:36:24 GMT

i took two tests today... got a 75 on both, f man this blows. f! every weekend i get further behind. and theres only 2 weeks of school left now, who can believe that? mannn. well this weekend and last wizzie and jamie came down to hang out. mmmm, it's a fun combo. friday us trey and 3 other fellas from my floor went to a comedy club that was pretty dang good. and then to a movie. and then came back to kris's and watched a couple hours of friends and decided to call it a night.

and then saturday was the format. yeah, they were pretty good. then we came back and rocked the block! yeah! followed by some more chillaxin and that was that. so yeah, freshman year of college is over and i'm left wondering why it went by so fast. i think there's 2 big problems with life... 1- it going by too fast, and 2- realizing it and wasting more time complaining about it.

but anyway i'll stop wasting time and get to bed. just bored and wanted to do something with my restless self. and oh, so laide, i fell for a tricky handholding manuever tonight, i got worked like a cheap hooker on the streets of vegas in the middle of winter, shoot

have some composure

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 06:50:16 GMT

we keep losing our euffing hockey games, it blows... but here's muh looking like a little red ball of fire. i write sins not tragedies... i wub panic!

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 12:23:39 GMT

its 5 in the morning and i'm thinking of going to sleep for a little bit... but wait, then i'd have to get up in 30 minutes for work. shoooot. welllp its kind of nice to write in the thing here once again. i mean its been ages right? we need to have a little chit-chat right? right.

ummm so the semester's going pretty well. mis clases es mas dificil mucho. and so i'm not doing too well. but there's hope, as always. and curves. oh yeah, so the coolest thing i've been doing this semester is playing hockey. it's amazing. kris and i are in this class together. then we joined a league with 2 more of my brother's buddies. its freakin tight, no lie. ya though i'm still not too good, because for some reason i wasn't raised on hockey, even being from detroit and all, but i love it. we have an intramural floor hockey team also, like where you run around without skates and hit it and stuff. and it's playoffs now and we're in the semifinals. whoooh.

next week i get to go up to idaho to go snowmobiling, how sweet is that? i'm so psyched. its with my brudder and my cousin, and with their girls, and with my girl. ....nnnnah, just kidding, but with my pal from up north o the border. so that'll be fun. then someday i'm going to go 80s dancing eeeeeeeeeeeeeee. someday. in the meantime i'm just gonna try to finish my homework and not get too far behind.. or else i'll need to spend even more latenight hours at dennys with the backpack.

so i have a bunch of new pictures i'd post up here, be it seems kind of useless when it's so much easier on facebook and stuff. but laide does it... so maybe i will.
oh hey and this summa i think i want to come back to meeeechigan. like really bad. but i also know washington would be incredible if anyone has the courage to make such a voyage. anyway i'll talk to yall later. look for me monday night at panic!, tai, and acceptance. oh wait, you're all in michigan? frick. bye

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 06:47:18 GMT

oh my gosh. like tonight, i like hung out with laide. it was wicked amazing, like i can't believe it... it's LAIDE

finals week

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 07:07:50 GMT

Tonight was as exciting as ever... went to the pistons game, had a good time during the first half, then sat in misery as I watched the worst half of Piston basketball known to man this season...

tanner was there as well, so we got to meet up, yo

And among other cool news... te academy is and all american rejects rocked the house saturday night. and in case you haven't seen it, check out the coolest concert picture ever taken on my myspace. It's amazing. tyson ritter is one swell guy for doing that, for me.
merrrryy christmas

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 05:52:30 GMT

heyy. just wanted to post some pics from salt lake this weekend... pretty good time in the city with the church ward. just like all of you... can't wait for xmas break! later

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 06:19:27 GMT

just thought i would show you guys how cool i am now. or not cool... thats your call...

the breakdown

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 06:25:47 GMT

I'm kind of scared to write in this. it feels like if i write in livejournal about good things goin on then people get kinda mad at you. that it's only interesting read about the crap going on in someone's life. is that how anyone else feels? maybe i'm just not a pro at this or something.

the last few weeks have been up and down like a roller coaster...but have been awesome most of the time i'm not gonna lie. the mae concert was pure amazing, probly about a month ago. just a few weeks ago was the nintendo fusion tour. 1. panic! at the disco were lame douchefaces and didn't show up, then motion city soundtrack was pretty good, nice finish, next was tsl who frickin rocked the house, maybe they are just my favorite of the bands there but they were awesome. then fallout boy put on a pretty good show. the concert was also sweet cause tanner and i got to chill again for a little while and there were a ton of kids from my hall. tanner is a cute guy is he not?

that was about 2.5 weeks ago. the weekend 2 weeks ago sucked. it was what the spanish call el terrible. friday night a group of us were supposed to go out to these apple orchards and pick apples and come back, make caramel apples and watch a movie. well my buddy jordan couldn't find any girls to come so it was about to be 5 on 2 until we decided not to go. then, jordan colby and i went to go see a girl that i sorta dated at the start of this year and it was the first time jordan and i have ever gotten into a fight let alone an argument. so we were in bad moods and we had to meet heathers mom, and it was absolutely the worst, most awkward meeting of a friend's parent ever.
then later that night my buddies daniel, curtis and i picked up 2 fly ladies and went to a hiphop dance at some appartments nearby. it was all goin well until we went out to the car and it was gone. yeah, i know what you're thinking, it got towed. the retards let kids park at the same spots in the back of empty parking lot and kept towing cars all night long. they probably towed 40 girls i'm not kidding. so that made me cough up 120 bones. and worst of all i acted like a lunatic and totally botched any chance with kirsten, finally a girl i found that i could see myself liking. so i was in a terrible mood that night, came home wanted to shoot myself and went to bed. the next day i woke up to go work on homework and around 2 my brother called to see if wanted to go play flag football. that day reaffirmed in my mind how happy i am to have family here at school. i went and had an awesome time that lifted my spirits 200% after one of the worst nigths ever. then, even better that girl kirsten called and left me a message, made me happy. the day after that i went to dinner at my grandparents, good ol time seein the family. =D

our intramural soccer teams going pretty good. so this is the deal. are captain went to sign us up on the last day, and the onyl spot open was in the first of 3 divisions. so all season long we've gotten our trashes kicked and only won 1 game by forfeit. for the playoffs then we got put in the bottom league and have been lightin it up. -not really though, we won our first game by tieing it up with 1 minute left and winning in a shootout. then second game we won 3-1. then third game, just last week we were up 4-0 in the first half, then won 5-4. well almost blew that big time. what's surprising for me is that i'm having a good time playing. let's get something across right now, i sucked in high school soccer. i was the only junior on the jv team, even when meftah joined 2 weeks late he went up to varsity. but here it's really fun. the true playaz -us- are having a good ol time out there, we're down to the final 4 and i'm actually proud of my soccer skills for once in my life, a goal and 2 assists last game yeah! i want one of those byu intramural championship shirts sooo bad.

so now that we're getting closer to now i mostly have good things to say, so don't get mad at me. gall november flew by now that i think of it. this weekend was pretty good too. friday after work my bestest buddy daniel and i picked up kirsten and rachel just hanging out and went razoring(scootering). it was fun, end of story. then we went a dance where i have never danced for so long in my life. 2.5 hours hardly any pauseing. but hey it was also one of the most fun times ever. also at the dance, which made it particularly good, i saw this girl in my religion class who i occasionally talk to, i burned her the mae cd, and whatnot, and she's way out of my league(maybe?) but i think she's one of the coolest girls ever. and she saw me dancing with kirsten all night, jealousy emotions were goin... yaaeaah. hah, sorry. lol. and that night was just way fun with kristen.
saturday was the byu v. utah football game, the biggest rivalry in utah. i'm not sure if you saw it, but the score with 24-3 at halftime. then, the amazing happened... byu (keep in mind byu usually sucks at football) played an amazing half and tied the game at 34. then blocked a last second fg by utah and went to OT! it was awesome, But then we lost in overtime. :( it was sooo fun though, i was sitting with my brother and cousin and their buddies, it was 'off the chain'-iguess some kids say that here. and then i decided i'm going to sell my xbox and everything with it on ebay, which is a solid decision for me because it makes me feel responsible. oh ya and on thursday night i saw haaarrry pottt-err (imagine a english accent) with jordan and his friends. i thought it was great, i was just (extremely!) disappointed in dumbledore, and also cho chang -what the frick were they thinking? honestly, gal. lol. back to that saturday, that night i saw walk the line and gained an appreciation for johnny cash and the acting ability of reese witherspoone. wow it was great.
okay well i'm about done. thanks for reading and not being mad.

other random things:
i can play crazy train on the guitar. hA! keith
i am actually comfortable wearing beanies, who would of thought
i've gotten the coolest roommates ever lined up for after my mission
i've got a cool roommate lined up for next semester (jakes leaving)
i found mae & acceptance.
my brother is getting an xbox 360 on tuesday! eee!
i bowled a record-breaking 141 last week. yussss
i discovered that on average i find brunettes about 3 times as attractive as blondes.
i keep losing in fantasy football. oh wAIT, that's bad.
i love my family!
i miss connor
thanksgiving break is just 2 days away :)
the turkey bowl thanksgiving morning
the deetroit pistons are rockin
i get to watch lions on thursday eee!
it's Christmas time! yaayyy

To my friends out there I really hope youre doing fabulous, that life is everything you want it to be. Next summer you guys should come out to washington. I promise you it will totally be worth the plane ticket. It would be awesome. This entry like the one about a month ago is me, see yall later. -kyle

eeeeeeeeeee

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Thu, 03 Nov 2005 23:24:51 GMT

yes well things are going good and its been a while since i updated.

MUTE MATH is frickin good. <-period

this drummer rocks more than anyone ever. ever.

i wish i could do that!

eeeeeeeeee

MAE!

heheh

i guess hutchens finally made it big

were soo cool

me in 5 years:

parentals in town! yusss

WHOOO! we actually won. yay

sweetest halloween costume ever
about to uvsc it up

ahhhh, seeya later

the truth about me. i didn't plan to post this

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 04:33:18 GMT

I can’t really think right now so I feel like doing a free-wrtie. Well things arejust going great. Not. Life is weird. I’m not who I want to be. I hang out with kids and I’m just plain boring, I can’t get myself to be totally relaced, even though I seriously wish I could/ Like tonight, I had friends coming over, but didn’t really know what to do. … I’m not spontaneous and fun, like you need to be around here. Sometimes I honestly feel like I could be at a party school, going crazy and indulging in whatever drinks and sexual activity I felt like. I think it might be because of this urge that I am reserved and hold back, not wanting to expose it? What’s that term called that we learned in psych, sublimation or something, no it’s reaction formation. I don’t know.
I wish that I could be fun and always know what to say. I wish that I could be the center of a conversation and feel comfortable. I wish that I could find a girl that made me completely relaxed… the only one coming close thus far is dating a guy on my floor and has a label of being ‘dirty’ cause all they do is makeout or something. Losers…. Which, yeah, did make the relationship with my buddy Nic -who I really liked- extremely weird. I’m really an awkward person. That’s the story of my life. It’s not being tired and needing to work on homework, I’m just uncomfortable and there’s nothing I can do about it. Even though I try. And make progress. In high school I had friends that I loved and had known for so long that they accepted my strangeness, and then I could fully relax and do funny things. Here, I’m trying to skip that middle step of being awkward, and sometimes I can and have a good time. And that makes me feel really happy. Then other times I can’t and I feel retarded. I can’t concentrate and I feel like I’m different than everyone else. Even though I know I’m not. Don’t all kids feel like this once in a while? Especially those kids that aren’t the sweetest kids ever that do and say all the right things. Bipolar; is that what they call it? I don’t really think I’m bipolar. I know I’m not, because I love life and have huge goals and everything. But that’s just one logical reason my brain is producing for some reason. My mind is retarded sometimes. I’m just a typical 18 year old, trying to act 20, feeling like I’m 16 and can’t even show the lack of excitement that occurs at 16. How do I become an extrovert, why do my frickin genes cause me to be nervous in spotlight situations. Why can’t I sing for other people, only myself. Why can’t I play games in the hall late at night, and dress up like gangstas with the other white boys of Utah, or have a strong relationship with my roommate. Why can’t I frickin be something different. Daniel Anderson: my role model. The guy has all the cards falling in his favor. Or better yet, Alex Nicholson. So close yet so far away. When will I grow up; become the natural leader and hilarious kid I’ve always wanted to be? cause it’s certainly not happening now.

Karlee's Wedding

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 04:21:07 GMT

Got back from the wedding Sunday night to a room torn to shreds and a slob of a roommate who ate my food and drank my sodas... yea, well needless to say the kid is a frickin bad roommate, but a good guy.

Well the wedding was really nice, it felt so good to hang out with family again. It was a wake-up call, brought me back to being myself, not this changing college student. Anyway I'll talk to yea'll later, byyyee.

tommy sleepy

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 06:22:49 GMT

This weekend I experienced my second semiheartbreak since I got to byu. Freakin , , what's wrong with me. Besides that I've been living the college life, got to see Tanner a week ago, and get to go to LA this weekend for Karlee's wedding. eeee see yea later.

Big A Show

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Sun, 25 Sep 2005 03:00:01 GMT

Big A Show today and it was pretty rad. I need to see AAR's full concert because I'm in love with them. The used is nuts and gives me headaches with kids kicking your face, but theyre worth it, cept that i gotta be honest i'm a little sick of them playing I'm a FAKE. Our Lady Peace was playing new crap and made me sad, cause I was genuinely excited for them. Anyway peace out folks. Goodnight

aar

haw

olp

used

FOB, TSL, MCS NOV 8 if you live near utah go (tanner and andrew)

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 04:05:34 GMT

sparkle motion went down hard 36-14 today.
late tonight i played vook in pool, a nonmormon guy here on a basketball scholarship from yugoslavia - serbia montenegro. he says he used to play basketball against darko milicic and other nba players from there. but i beat him, twice and now i'm watching tin cup, about to go to bed

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 05:43:01 GMT

so today was awesome. it consisted of running, classes, hanging out with one of the coolest girls at byu, passing off a computer science lab with the score of 23/20, dinner with that same coolest girl, break dance club (whoot), and intramural soccer's TRUE PLAYAZ first team win 5-1 (featuring 1 goal, 1 assist myself). annnd then life goes back to having tons and tons of homework...
goodnight

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 08:10:54 GMT

BYU Football won!! and I have more homework than you could ever imagine... but at least dinner was good tonight, got invited to eat at a girl's apartment instead of the Cannon Center, also known as the Cancer Center, and it was really good. I'm finally off to bed though, goodnight.
Also... got tix for the Nintendo Fusion Tour with some freakin awesome kids...!!!

9/8/05

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 08:16:53 GMT

Today... woke up early and went to my friend Candice's apartment at 6am to run... where I got stood up because someone slept in... and slowly made my way back to the dorms. I studied and fell asleep, then headed off to my psych class where we watched the second half of The Manchurian Candidate, Frank Sinatra karate man action-packed intense movie. After that I did some studying, more classes, then group studying/making a freakin awesome brochure for some project, then some more studying. Then I met up with Heather and Jordan and (almost went motorcycling) went straight to the byu soccer game, which was sad... lame. And came back, headed to a church activity, then afterwards played a night game of football under the spotlights. Our intramural team SPARKLE MOTION is going to route somebody on Wednesday.
Then I came back home, walked into my dorm and found homemade chocolate chip cookies, compliments of Candice who felt bad for sleeping in this morning. I studied some, then signed up for Swing Dance Club with my friend to top the night off. Now I'm heading to bed. Goodnight San Diego

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Sat, 03 Sep 2005 07:17:56 GMT

Tonight was pretty nuts, starting at about 7 oclock after I got back from work... So my friend Jordan and a new kid James picked me up and we went to this mini-concert of a friend we know. After which, we went back to Jordan's place, convinced him to go to this BYU kickoff dance and went off to there. At the dance, located outdoors at Brigham Square, we had a pretty awesome time, but with a some downfalls as well, including the girl I met and our relationship and yeah you know what I mean.. not just some ordinary girl, one that means something, a lot of something. So my spirits were down nonetheless but okay. I walked back to Jordan's place where him and a couple guys were sitting on this hill trying out pickup lines on the girls leaving this dance. SOoo of course I have some expertise in this area.. My first pickup line was "hey." On James's next one he said something like "oh you don't need that clay ball, i'm already sculpted" or something like that. Eh, not so good result. So I bounced back with "Excuse me miss...Did it hurt?," "when you fell from heaven?" COMPLETE SUCCESS including major hug and props from the crew.. Next he tried something that didn't really work, "something something, cause I can see the stars in your eyes." Then this group of 4 or 5 girls were holding hands, and I went into the middle, said something smooth and was off to some 'party' holding hands with these chicas. We then got the rest of the guys and went to it... Just to leave about 5 minutes later.
Then we stood around and talked to some kids, then headed way back to the car, where I see Chelsey, the girl I took to prom in washington, just out of the blue. And anyway long story short I head back to the dorms. I get into the building and there's about 15 or20 kids swing-dancing. I WISH I was a pro, but I wanted to learn or re-learn so I spent about 30 minutes swing dancing! then came up here to home. to sleep.
My recent philosophies: when life is good, it's SO good (my feelings over the past week -especially following outings with the girl mentioned above). Umm yeah that's about it.
I got tickets to the big A show, including THE USED, OUR LADY PEACE, STORY OF THE YEAR, MXPX,THE BRAVERY, RISE AGAINST, COLD, 30 SECONDS TO MARS, THE ALL AMERICAN REJECTS, HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS, HOT HOT HEAT & KASABIAN.
I gotta jet though, need rest for the big football game tomorrow. ra ra ra cougars

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 23:55:02 GMT

I'm learning guitar and can officially play Collide and Leaving on a Jet Plane..

yea!!

BYU

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 07:21:02 GMT

The last week has been amazing, I don't know how else to put it. I went to Foundations of Leadership Conference, met some cool kids and more importantly this one guy and this one girl. Last week with no school I met my roommate, Jake, from New Jersey, guys on my floor, girls here and there, people from myspace..pitiful. On Friday my bud Jordan from the leadership camp took me wakeboarding with him and cousin, awesome. Over the weekend I just hung out and met kids, tons of LDS freshman looking for friends. Which is so fun compared to kids in Washington, who were just trying to finish high school when I came. Here everyone is looking for friends, it's awesome. I've started school and a job at the BYU TV station.. exciting I know. And here are some pictures.

Jordan Wakeskating

Brayden Wakeboarding

...Attempting the backflip

Me

Official Address!!

keleticklegger@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 21:30:19 GMT

Kyle Clegg
Helaman Halls
3113 May Hall
Provo, UT 84602

If you send me a letter or something I PROMISE I'll write you back